20th November 2021 - 18.00

 

So today it broke

The adult Ted broke and survived

Acknowledging that Kevin’s experience were real and whatever the inner voices, the rational Ted, the Ted of many rooms and corridors, may think, the pain and hurt, physical and emotional over the past 50 years are founded in a tormented reality that Kevin knows and Ted has locked away in his rooms, in his corridors.

PAC, Parents-Adult-Child released an emotion this afternoon that came from deep within, deep in the past

The tears were there, the howling still suppressed, there is still a fear that if the tears start, they will never, never stop.

There is a fear that once released I wouldn’t be able to control it, and I can’t have that.

I’ve contortioned, catalogued, controlled and contained all these emotions.

Even though I held back

The rational being began to ask for that one moment (as in Camelot), that one brief shining moment, the kid at the end of Camelot cam on. Kevin was that kid, wanting to be a knight in the round table, wanting it all to be okay and better. Ted was that kid, then rational Ted took over, controlled the outburst, controlled the tears, focused on one sheet of tissue, refused a second sheet, managing with the one.

It did not destroy me.

Sitting in the café afterwards, before the theatre, having walked through a full German market there is an air of contentment about me.

One brick has cracked, it is still in the wall, there are many more to come out before the dam will burst, but one has weakened.

I, in some ways, am strengthened, I walked out of that room.

I was not destroyed.

I survived, again.